Life
by Red Horseman
Summary: Asuka takes a moment to reflect on her life during and after EVA.  Also a shameless plug now, chapter 3 of 'The Game' is up for those following that story


Started July 26, 2001   
Finished July 28, 2001  
  
  
Life  
  
Red Horseman  
  
Think where man's glory most begins and ends.  
And say my glory was I had such friends.  
---- William Butler Yeats  
  
* * * *  
  
Rain.   
  
Thin rivulets of the life sustaining fluid flow down the   
glass pane as I watch the storm rage beyond the window. Placing my   
fingers against the window I can feel the slight vibrations the   
winds and impact of droplets cause to course through the crystalline  
structure. Halos of condensation form around the tips of my fingers   
as they press lightly against the cool surface, clouds forming in   
front of me as I breathe slowly, steadily. I am aware of my   
surroundings, but it feels like I'm detached from my actions, like   
this is all some kind of dream. It's not scary or unnerving, but has  
a calming affect as the ordered chaos interrupted a calm day for me.   
  
Ordered chaos.  
  
What an oxymoron. How can something that is ordered be chaotic  
at the same time, but it describes a storm perfectly. A set number   
of events have to take place to trigger a thunderstorm or else it   
fails. A shift in the winds, a drop or rise in temperature, or any   
another number of factors can change something so spectacular and   
beautiful into nothing but gray clouds. But if all the events occur   
at the proper time and place you have something so wonderfully   
chaotic in execution. Life is exactly the same.  
  
My days years ago were the exact opposite of the storm outside  
unleashing torrents of rain and jagged bolts of lightning. Calm and   
quiet with bouts of chaos thrown in at times to break up the   
routine. I would sit bored as another dull school day progressed   
listening to the doctored versions of what happened during the   
Second Impact and the years after. Everyone would tune out the   
teacher after having heard the 'facts' over and over, not caring   
that everything was lies. My friends would almost as one turn on   
their computers and chat quietly without drawing attention, the   
class soon following our examples.  
  
Thunder rolls through the country as a dull rumble but I don't  
move. At times during school the girls around me would talk about   
which boy was cute or who was dating whom. I tried not to listen to   
such things as I had more important things to worry about, the bouts  
of chaos called Angels. Would I live through the next Angel or be   
injured? Would someone be killed because of my actions? Would the   
other pilots continue to respect or accept me? That everyone's life   
on Earth was on our shoulders was a great burden and responsibility.   
  
But the truth was I never expected to find the right person   
and fall in love with them. I had been alone so long that I was   
becoming used to the situation, pretending that it was no big deal.   
My life would continue as long as Death allowed me to, whether alone  
or together with someone didn't matter to him, he is patient. Like   
the warning signs of an approaching storm, love has it's own signs.   
It slowly builds until what you thought would pass you up is   
suddenly right in front of you and hits you with all of its power.   
Very scary, very unnerving if not expected, but oh so calming after   
it's initial impact.  
  
A jagged bolt of white light sears my eyes as lightning strikes  
what seems to be the next hilltop over from me. The after images of   
the bolt float in front of my eyes and I think how alike the Angels   
were to lightning. The Angels would appear out of nowhere completely  
unpredictable, just like lightning. A day would be slow and lazy   
with me enjoying it in some way and then boom, an Angel attack. And   
like lightning the Angels were deadly to the recipients of their   
unleashed power. But unlike the connection of ground to sky the   
Angels could kill everyone on the planet in one strike.  
  
Turning from the window I stare at my life's partner asleep in   
our bed as the building shakes from the crash of thunder. As the   
after-effects of the thunder flow through the hills I can't help but  
draw similarities again between nature and the Angels. Like the   
thunder, the after-effects of the Angels are still felt after the   
act is done and over with. What took a split second in life to occur  
is forever etched in the memories of those who fought the Angels.   
  
Neither of us came through the ordeal unscathed. Physical and   
mental scars are still present on both our bodies and in our minds.   
Some just have more than others do. Where others fell in love   
happily, ours was a different kind of courtship. It was a painful   
healing process of being there for each other when you didn't want   
to hear any more painful details. Pain and sadness were our bonds,   
but they grew to become love. Childhood details and the pain   
inflicted upon us gave way to flowers and dates. Plugsuits and EVAs   
were exchanged for a wedding and later a house. All is not healed or  
perfect and they never will be, we understand that.  
  
Suddenly a high pitched noise fills the room and my body   
straightens and tenses as old reflexes take over. I relax,   
remembering that the Angels are no longer and the EVAs are sealed   
away. The noise pauses before starting again and I recognize it as   
a child crying, specifically ours. Silently I open the door to the   
hallway and walk down the dark corridor to the light at the end.   
Darkness I still hate as it makes me feel alone in the world, unable  
to touch or see whom I love or them me.  
  
So it is with relief that I step again into the light, no   
matter how dim it is. Walking over to the crib I see that Yuki is   
awake and crying staring up at me with wide blue eyes. She is a   
bundle of chaos wrapped up in cuteness and innocence, causing us so   
many headaches during a day. But we wouldn't have it any other way.   
Picking her up I check to see if anything is amiss but find nothing   
wrong. Cradling her in my arms Yuki rests her head against my chest,   
going silent as we share our warmth. It's amazing what a simple act,   
such as holding someone in your arms can do for both people.  
  
Rocking Yuki gently in my arms I gaze down at our baby girl.   
They say a child takes after both parents in their features but not   
Yuki. She definitely has more of her mother in her than her father,   
not that it was a bad thing. I hope she is more gentle natured and   
doesn't have the problems we did growing up. Having a mother and   
father looking after her will be the least of her worries. We both   
love her and each other, we'll never leave given a choice.  
  
Not having Yuki grow up like us came up frequently during the   
pregnancy when we would have time to just sit around with no tasks   
to do. The world is harsh enough but having to grow up too soon is   
too much to ask of a child. We were never normal and it showed in   
our daily activities and interactions. Others enjoyed their   
childhoods with families and friends as we watched ours being torn   
apart, alone in our suffering. Normal teenagers had only to worry   
about simple things like school or finding a date while we were   
subjected to tests and trials that would cause people to go pale.   
Some did as details of what we went through came out during the   
tribunals. Yuki would have as much of a normal life as possible.  
  
Wetness soaked through my shirt from Yuki's drooling but I   
didn't care as long as she was content. A song I remember my mother   
singing to me as a baby is coming from my lips. It is soft and   
gentle telling of love and kindness for the child. I'm lost in the   
song and cradling Yuki that I don't notice my significant other walk  
into the room.  
  
"Asuka."  
  
Turning I look at Shinji as he wipes his eyes and covers a yawn  
with one hand. He is my partner in life now and I am his, we'll   
never let each other be alone anymore. When I realized that the   
person I had been wanting in life had been in front of me for more   
then a year I didn't want to believe it. How could I have fallen   
for a quiet, shy boy who was always unsure of himself? But as he   
comes up besides me and wraps an arm around me I remember the   
changes.  
  
Gone was the boy I had known during the Angel War, to be   
replaced by a strong, confident man. As he touches my damaged arm I   
know that he is still so caring but he won't coddle me, for which   
I'm glad. He'll hold me and protect me, as much as I allow, from   
anything that can hurt me, except my own foolishness. The innocence   
is gone from his eyes and features but they soften whenever they   
look at Yuki or me. At other times they show the horror we had to   
endure as nightmares invade his mind.   
  
Everyone had expected Shinji to snap as things kept piling up,  
myself included. But how am I to speak of others when I snapped   
myself, a scar to remember my foolish pride. Yet Shinji did snap   
and for my sake as he has told me before. The dismemberment of   
Unit-02 and my wounding was too much for his mind to handle. Golden   
wings surrounding his EVA was the sight I missed as I had lost   
consciousness from blood loss. The surviving footage showed a man   
possessed during the fight until none remained and he collapsed  
from exhaustion and wounds.   
  
I shake my head and leave the room with Yuki in my arms and   
Shinji at my side. The patio offers a better view of the fading   
storm as the climax had passed and all that's left is a drizzle.   
For all its fury a storm dies quickly and fades from memory of   
those who witnessed its power. True love couldn't be more the   
opposite I think as pale moonlight illuminates our surroundings. We   
leave the security of the house behind and walk through the wet   
grass silently.  
  
"Remember Misato's reaction when we said we wants this place?"  
  
How could I forget that reaction I ask myself as we gaze out   
over the lights of a rebuilt Tokyo-3 miles away in a valley. Misato   
had thrown a fit at the bill but NERV paid for the land and  
construction of our home. I walk over to a tree surrounded by wild   
flowers and sit on the damp ground uncaring with Shinji coming to   
rest next to me. It was this exact spot three years ago that Shinji   
got down on bended knee and asked me to marry him while presenting   
a diamond engagement ring. I smile as I remember that day.  
  
He had brought me out here for a picnic, which had become   
common for us after five years of dating. It was right after I had   
finished dessert that he stood up and positioned himself in front   
of me, his eyes staring into mine as he proposed. His eyes clear   
but holding a bit of fear that grew as I sat there stunned unable   
to do or say anything. I had been expecting him to do that for some   
time but to actually have him ask me was too much for my mind. It   
was when he swallowed and was about to stand that I reached out and   
held his hand, telling him yes.  
  
The Angels didn't compare to the nervousness I felt on our   
wedding day. Hikari and Misato were such big helps during the   
proceeding months but nothing they said quieted the butterflies in   
my stomach that day. Slipping my dress on that day was like putting   
a plugsuit on for the first time, weird and a little uncomfortable.   
I still doubted my decision as the commander of NERV's Second Branch  
took my arm and led me down the aisle. Seeing the same fear in   
Shinji's eyes took some of mine away as I came to stand next to him.  
  
It was the full ceremony of music and recitings, though both   
Shinji and me weren't very religious. We had both written our own   
vows since we felt the normal vows would not truly express what we   
had gone through or felt for each other. As we slipped the rings on   
it felt like something was breaking and it only increased as Shinji   
lifted my veil and we kissed as husband and wife. It was then I   
realized what I was feeling. Like a phoenix I was being reborn, my   
past life being burned away to start anew with Shinji. I could see   
the same realization in his eyes as he pulled from me.   
  
But it was an incomplete rebirth for the both of us, as parts   
of our pasts remained open. Shinji had hoped that his father would   
have been released from prison for this day but it was not to   
happen. The authorities had said that it would be too dangerous and   
could draw more attention to us. Security was always around us,   
protecting everyone from those who blamed us for stopping man's   
enlightenment. So they had a live feed to the prison for Gendo but I  
could tell it was not the same as having him there for Shinji.  
  
As for myself I was without any biological family to watch me   
get married. Our family was very small with few aunts and uncles   
scattered through the world, my grandparents had already passed   
away. My stepmother and I had never gotten along but I still   
invited her to come, wanting to heal the past with her. She declined  
the offer. The pain of that was nothing compared to the response   
papa gave me. He had told me I was a big girl and had been for a   
long time. That I didn't need to cling to him or need his permission  
to do what I wanted.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
At Shinji's voice I become aware of tears sliding down my   
cheeks from my memories. I shake my head in the negative not   
trusting my voice at the moment, afraid that it will give away what   
I'm feeling. Shinji cups my chin in his palm and turns my head   
gently so I'm facing him. He smiles the smile that melts my heart   
and wipes the tears away with his other hand. We both lean forward   
and meet in a kiss, just enjoying the feeling for as long as we can.   
Yuki squirms in my arms and we stand to go back into the house. As   
we do I can only think one thing.  
  
We lived, we died, and we were reborn. I now know what it   
means to live and I love it.  
  
* * * *  
  
Man, this is the shortest story I have written. I tried to   
stay away from the usual amount of detail in my other stories and   
just concentrate on Asuka's thoughts. I hoped I succeeded. There   
are a lot of short stories where Shinji reflects on the past and  
what is the present for him but little if any of Asuka doing the   
same. She is just as complex as Shinji and I think she would reflex   
on what happened to her. Asuka may just not do it as often as   
Shinji would, instead wanting to concentrate on the present.   
  
As for Asuka's stepmother and father I found them cold in the   
one scene during the series, never calling or writing Asuka. I   
figure that Asuka's stepmother would refuse to come since she   
seemed not to care too much for Asuka. The part of Asuka being too   
mature just doesn't fly with me. If she felt anything for Asuka she   
would see the maturity as a plus, not a negative. As for her father   
all you have to do is look at his virtual abandonment of his   
daughter. Leaving her alone to care for herself while he worked and   
giving care over to NERV after Kyoko died doesn't point to a man   
that wanted to care for a child. Which brings up the question, did   
he ever want Asuka?   
  
Anyway C&C is always welcome.   
  
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com   
  



End file.
